MAN'S CROWNING GLORY

Somewhere, sometime, someone said: “It is not the things you do dear, it is the things you leave undone, that gives you a bit of heartache at the setting of the sun…”. Indeed, things undone and things unfelt are the things that truly hurt. But man is forever on the go… Every moment he is in a hurry and as he whirls around stupidly and rapidly, he leaves behind him bundles of things that hurt. Little neglected things that doesn’t only give bits of heartache but also creates inferiority complex that induces man to become psychologically unstable.

There are of course many ways of neglecting things. Some are done by commission, others by omission. Whichever method is a kind of sin. For instance, it is a sin to fail to care for one’s body and by body I mean every part of his anatomy from the tip of the toenail to the tip of the hair.

Following this line of thinking, at any rate I have to confess that I was a sinner. I have been very negligent about my health. And just to prove how much I have erred, I almost lost all my hair. It all started when I was a medical student. In one of the subjects, the professor failed to explain to me the real function of the hair. Since then I neglected it. After all, I said, what is the use caring for a function-less something? I slept late at night, ate any kind of food, use any available pomade, drunk coffee and smoke pro re nata.

One day while taking my unusual bath I noticed a bundle of hair sticking to my bath soap. Well, who cares? There are a lot of bald headed individuals walking normally around. Soon my thinning hair became noticeable to my friends who started teasing me. I still didn’t mind them.

Later I had my picture taken and alas! The shiny reflection of the flush bulb was very evident on my already widening forehead. To add insult to injury, everybody thought I was older than my “kuya”. Children called me “lolo”. I was still feeling young then but who could argue against somebody who stared at you and saw you old? I started worrying just to realize that worries accelerate falling hair. I was in a position of no return; so to cover what I did not possess I started wearing hats of all kinds and designs to discover even further that hats aid falling hair too. Furthermore, unlike women, men could only wear hats on much chosen places and occasions otherwise they would be branded “bastos” regardless of whether they really are or just covering their shiny scalps.

I began cursing myself, after all everybody else was cursing me including my girlfriend who promised to love me “till death do us part”. Her love disappeared together with my hair until only sideburns were left which incidentally were the only ones being cut by the barbers. So, every time I visit my barber I practically turn hairless and almost headless. I began consoling myself by wise comments of other bald headed celebrities like Eisenhower, Yul Bryner and Pugo, to no avail. I was still feeling sorry for myself.

I looked for the next better step: Remedial measures. Being a medical man I was aware of the fact that so far as the medical science was concerned there was still no hair grower available then. Everything was still under study. But I said there was no harm trying and I did try everything from the herbs to Foltene forte, etc. Every now and then I would see immature hairs coming out of my scalp and I would be hysterical. But they would never leave that stage of immaturity and I would never be able to come out of that hysterical condition which was proven to be the most effective hair sweeper.

In spite of all the frustrations, disappointments and sad experiences brought about by the absence of hair, I managed to pretend unconcerned like all other hairless people did. I said it made me more dignified than ever and I used to quote about the grass that does not grow on busy streets. Yet, deep in my heart I felt the ache and all the uneasy symptoms and side effects of 'bald headedness'.

Then I got married at last to a woman who said I would be a perfect husband had I not lost my head (hair). She was the one who insisted that I do something or else…

That was the time I hurried to Mrs. Foster of the Pioneer Institute of Fashion who claimed to be an expert Tupee manufacturer. I was immediately given a demonstration of how the Tupee worked. She tried one on my head and true enough I felt the instant rejuvenating effect. I did not only look young, I felt young. All my frustrations were suddenly washed away until Mrs. Foster told me the price of one Tupee and all my previous frustrations were doubled. So, I bargained and bargained until she got irritated and finally accepted me as her real and original friend who deserved a very, very discounted gift, gift price. I was about to say “What is one Tupee between friends”, but I was told I needed two to alternate with the other when one is being shampooed. And that was not all. I was obliged to buy a roll of Tupee plaster, supposedly made in Germany at a price only Germans can afford. I pretended I was a German having in mind the number of patents I needed to encounter in order to raise the amount I paid for my hair. But Mrs. Foster was a very sweet lady. She had a way of dealing with bald men and can compel them to pay even if they are her friends. I owe her a lot of thanks for bringing me back my youthful time in such a way that all my classmates ten years ago could now recognize me and recall those days when we were young and foolish.

As the saying goes: “A monkey, dressed so well is a monkey just the same”. Likewise, a bald head with Tupee is a bald head still. In fact according to one Cursillista, Tupee is the most expensive way of telling a lie because it actually covers the truth. But this Cursillista failed to realize that he was dying his white hair unaware that it was a grave and mortal sin too. So I argued that I was not attempting to exhibit a lie. I was only using my Tupee as a form of mental reservation to show my real age and my real appearance, after all the hair is a function-less part of my anatomy, but a real necessity in my dealings with my cruel society.

In this age of political turmoil, riots, floods, earthquakes and hijacking, man is at a loss. He is constantly trying to find his own identity. That is why man is always hurrying and complaining. That is why man is already incapable of loving truly and being loved. That is why the world is in trouble and that is even why there is a need for charter change. So they say “Love is a Many Splendor Thing”, but I insist that the Hair is “the golden crown that makes a man a king”.