Of Dream and Death

My four year old grand daughter had a dream: 'I was holding her when I suddenly died". My grand daughter woke up crying and shouting: "I missed my Lolo! I want to see my Lolo!", she said.

So the following day her parents allowed her and her elder sister to go to the province with their Lola to see their Lolo. It was around 7:00 p.m. when they arrived. My wife said she brought home something for me that I must see in the car. From the Terrace where we were I went down to see what it was and indeed it was a most pleasant surprise. My two grand daughters kissed and embraced me so tightly that I was so touched and almost teary-eyed.

When I asked the the younger one about her dream that my wife whispered to me earlier, she said it was a "wrong dream". But I could feel how concerned she was about her Lolo. She sat on my lap and kissed me repeatedly.

After they left the following day I couldn't help but ponder on death. I knew I was already old and aware that sooner or later, in fact, anytime, death could claim me for eternity. I was that fatalistic and quite ready to meet death any moment. I already made my own gravesite at one portion of my Unique Garden. It was a circular area surrounded by rugged stones with a cypress plant at the center. It was where I wished my ashes would be scattered after my cremation.

A few days ago I felt a kind of sub-sternal pain which, being a doctor myself, I knew was somehow a symptom of something wrong with my heart. At first I thought of consulting a Cardiologist but knowing that the Cardiologist would suggest several examinations and laboratory procedures and of course the necessary treatment to save my heart and my life, I hesitated.

In truth I wanted to die of heart attack. It would be faster and less painful as it would also save a lot of trouble to people who otherwise would be forced by circumstances to care for me. I didn't want to bother my love ones or anybody as I also didn't want to spemd so much knowing that at the end I would also die.

As a fulfilled senior citizen I was no longer aiming to add many more years to my life. What I was trying to do was add life to whatever remaining years I still have. I was trying to keep busy in my garden. Planting, weeding, transferring a stone from one place to another or just walking around. There were many worthwhile things that nature could offer but most active people didn't realize.